An Unpleasent Soul

Now a days I am not feeling so comfortable. I am feeling very uneasy both mentally and physically. I am not in good mood, I am becoming irritated. Don’t know whats happening to me. The more I am trying to be normal I am getting more complicated. I just want to be normal and calm by my nature. But things are not working for me these days.

I think I know the reason behind this. As its been a long time I am job less now, I am not getting job anywhere and I am not trying for one also. As I don’t like to work 9 to 5 types job. My parents and brother asking me to apply for the sail and railway exam and I am not even filling the application form also coz I have no interested in that job. I want to do something of my own. Like some business and for this I have tried also. But I was not able to execute any of my plan successfully. First I had planned for water pouch plant, and that plan got cancel due to some problems, and second I had tried for the mushroom cultivation and for this I needed land which I don’t have and also some problem was there, then I was up to brick business and that was also failed, and at last I had opted for the poultry business. And to some extent I was success also, but the as time passed I had face many problems, I met an accident, I had a dispute with my business partner, and eventually I was in a great loss. As I had bought the bolero pickup and had fitted the chicken cage into it, I am facing problems to running the pickup. But then I had talked this matter to my brother and we had a solution for this. I want to have my pickup on its work so that it can pay its installment itself.

 And  I want to do something so that my mind wud be in stable position. By staying at home my mind became so much unstable. I am being so rude and irritated. I don’t want to be like this but its all happening without my will. I am hurting my parents unwillingly and this is hurting me more. I am getting angry on small things and am not in good mood while talking to my parents, I am answering them so rudely. For my this type of behavior to my parents I feel very low and sad, I get emotional and want to cry but my eyes were dry all the time. I was in such condition that I cant even shed tears. I don’t want myself to behave like this. I know this is happening coz my m staying at home for so long time doing nothing but enjoying parents money. I want to do something of my own. Only then I will be happy.  

I am so frustrated and angry on myself of not doing anything. As I am so old now by age. And am still jobless leave the job as I don’t want a job but m still not doing anything, by this time I had to start something for myself, a source of income. And what I am doing now ? I have only one answer for this – nothing. I am so hopeless also, I am a total failure in the job section and also in the love. Now the word love has came into this blog, let me share something about my love also. Well I am in love with this beautiful amazing lady. She is like an integral part of my life, like her memories are always with me, she keeps on running on my mind. Its been so many years I am in love with her. And the interesting part is she don’t love me. Yes the girl I love don’t love me. So why I am after this girl. I don’t know the answer, but I find her the most attractive, beautiful, mesmerizing, spellbinding every time I think of her. I am so much hopeless. I am like a frustrated one sided lover. I thought I shud let go of her. And shud forget her and live my life of my own. It was a very big decision of letting her go. My heart was so heavy thinking about this,  I was so low. But I had determined that from now on no more crying for this girl. And for whom I am shedding my tears, the girl who don’t love me, the girl who don’t care if I am dead or alive. I think I am not worthy of this girl at all. I don’t deserve this tears coming out of my eyes. I was so emotional I had made my mind that enough now no more. Just want to live my life of my own. Tears were all over my eyes. I was full of anger. I was angry on myself on behaving like an idiot. I was so stupid, and now its over. No more love for anyone from now in my life.

And this morning while reading the above statements written by me. I felt like are you crazy. Are you out of your mind. Are you a fool. It cant happen. I was a fool who had written so much of shitty things about my love. Its not like that. All the plans to overcome from the one I love was cancelled right away.

And I am back to the lover boy section. As I cant just leave and act that I am out of love. It’s the love which I don’t want to fade away ever. The love for her is alive in my heart and it will stay there till the end of my life.         

And about my life of doing something, I am very positive now and life is very long my friend I will manage to do something good with it. I am so charged up right now and ready to face the challenges the life throw towards me. And I will fight with it.